I wanted to try to spread a really simple message to mums based on my experiences of post-natal mental health; be kind to yourself. Here’s why.
When I became a mum for the first time, I felt SO grateful, and I was SO IN LOVE, but I really struggled to adjust to life with a child…
I so desperately wanted to be a supermum.
You know, the confident mums that you see on Facebook, with happy families and a perfect, happy life.
Their babies sleep through the night and they had a really great routine that affords them some alone time to do what they want to do.
They got back to their pre-baby weight within a few weeks, and they look well-rested and healthy.
Their children never misbehaved and they’re still as loving to their partners as they’ve always been.
Why did I feel so different?
– I was beating myself up for opting for an epidural. (I’d wanted a ‘natural’ birth.)
– I was wildly disappointed that I couldn’t breastfeed. (I’d wanted to breastfeed.)
– I was rejecting offers of help. (I didn’t want anyone thinking I couldn’t cope.)
I missed my sleep.
I missed my social life.
I missed my date nights with hubby.
I missed my work.
I missed my pre-pregnancy body.
I missed my energy.
I missed my freedom.
I missed me.
I didn’t want to go out.
I didn’t want to see anyone.
I was emotional.
I was sensitive.
I was grumpy.
I was jealous of happy mums.
I wasn’t enjoying my new life.
I wasn’t enjoying maternity leave.
I wasn’t enjoying being a parent.
I felt lonely.
I felt trapped.
I felt weak.
I felt overwhelmed.
I felt judged.
I felt unhappy.
I felt guilty.
I felt like a failure.
I felt like my baby was better off without me as their mum.
Reaching out and opening up…
I was one of the first of my close friends to have a baby, and I didn’t really have anyone close to me that I could speak to about it.
It wasn’t until I reached out to a couple of my old school friends about how I was feeling (a few months after I’d had my baby), that I realised that I really was NOT ALONE in feeling this way.
I realised that those pictures of happy families are not always as they seem, and all that guilt, loneliness and fear I was feeling, was totally NORMAL.
I was comforted by the fact that I wasn’t the only one feeling like that.
I was so grateful to those two friends who seem to make my doubts and fears feel less heavy on my shoulders with just a few words of reassurance.
It took me 5 months to feel even marginally like me again, and when I did it was like a switch had been pressed in my brain.
In the same week that I plucked up the courage to make a GP appointment, everything seemed a little bit less overwhelming.
“Lucy, be kind to yourself…”
Nearly 5 years later, and a couple of days after we added another baby to the mix, another one of my good friends advised me to “be kind to yourself.”
Feeling a little scared that I might feel a little down again, these four little words really resonated with me, and I decided that that would be my mantra to get me through this period of sleepless nights and processing of the overwhelming emotions.
For me, being kind to myself meant:
- Buying healthy pre-prepared food so I made sure I nourished myself and didn’t get hungry.
- Buying myself a few nursing clothes so I felt more confident feeding in public.
- Getting up a bit earlier and putting make up on even though I didn’t plan on leaving the house.
- Allowing myself to ignore the to do list sometimes and watch films all day in between clusterfeeding sessions instead.
- Going to Buggyfit classes to help me get stronger and to get me out of the house.
- Saying yes to help so I could get some sleep.
What does ‘being kind to yourself’ mean to you?
For you, being kind to yourself may be a completely different list of things, but it ultimately means the same.
Do something nice for you. A happy mum, a happy baby.
Of course I still have bad days – everyone does. I experience moments where I just want to stay in bed and play games on my phone all day and shut the world out.
I sometimes want to scream so loud that the whole neighbourhood can hear it, and there are days where I just want to run away from everything and escape life.
I have learned now, that rather than looking back on that period of stress as a dark time, to look back on my first baby’s emergency forcep birth
as a triumph.
I’ve learned to stop worrying so much about what other people think, and to cherish my little family every day for what it is (frantic school runs, messy rooms, huge mountains of dirty washing, night feeds, take aways, lots of fun and love) rather than over-think and second-guess everything.
Talk to someone… Anyone.
If, like I was, you’re feeling a little down about parenthood, try to be kind to yourself.
Think about opening up to a friend or get advice from a health visitor or doctor.
You’ve completed an awesome feat of nature by growing and birthing your child, and your life will feel a little crazy for while.
But, no matter how you birthed your baby, and however you are choosing to nourish them, you can pat yourself firmly on the back for what you have achieved.
You are doing an amazing job at bringing up your child/ren, and they think you are no less than perfect.
Be kind to yourself.
Pin this for later…
Last Updated on June 22, 2023 by Lucy Clarke
17 comments
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this is a really lovely post to read. while im not a new mum, a few of my friends have just had babies and they would love to have a read of this
This is such a great post. I think even if you aren’t a mom you can apply most of this to your life. All of us – moms, dads, and even people without children – forget to be kind to ourselves. We get too down on ourselves about everything.
Be kind to yourself is the best choice and never think to pressure things just to be the perfect one. Depression is no joke and always to take care your mental health awesome post!
I also had an epidural that wasn’t part of my “birth plan.” It took me a long to time accept that it was actually a really good choice and I didn’t need to regret it. We’re allowed to not be in pain! I love your suggestions to be kind to ourselves and not try to hold to some sort of super human status!
So true! If you are unkind to yourself, it can take a detrimental effect on your whole body both physically and emotionally! Self-love and self-care are key. 🙂
I totally agree with you. Yes, it is very important that we learn how to be kind to ourselves. Self-love is a must and it is not selfish. Thank you for sharing this post. It is a good reminder for all moms.
Self-love and self-kindness are so important. I love that you’re encouraging mamas to make sure to be kind to themselves ♡. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insight!
I hear you! I went through the same experience with my baby and it’s intense on a new mommy. It’s hard to remember to take that moment to breathe and do something for yourself.
i have never had the opportunity to be a mum but i am sure being a new mum is one of the greatest blessings and most difficult jobs. isolation is so difficult on women when they’re home from hospital with the baby.
I think mom’s should be easy to themselves. Learn to appreciate all the efforts and relax a little bit. You need pampering too!
The pressure we put on ourselves plus the pressure from society to be perfect robots is just too muxj to handle. Good to hear you were able to manage and are still managing a realistic view of your life!
This is already such a hard time for new moms. Then trying to muddle through alone makes it that much harder. You are so right about all of this!
Being a new mom is hard. It’s challenging. Bu also rewarding. You may find comfort in knowing, that later on, it get’s easier.